Author: Bekki

#mommyfail

On By BekkiIn Pinned Posts, This is Feminism2 Comments

We started Z on formula today.  Part of me is relieved about this. It means that pumping will no longer be a nightmare measured in ounces. It means that I can stop desperately trying to stockpile three days worth of milk in the freezer for when I have to travel. It means that if a late afternoon meeting runs over, I don’t have to choose between getting home in time to bathe her and put her to sleep or staying at work to pump so that I have enough milk to feed her the next day.

Mostly, I feel like a failure.

I couldn’t make enough milk for my daughter. I wasn’t willing to work hard enough. To pump longer, or more often. I cared more about my own convenience than about her health. I’m worried that writing this down will make people think less of me.

My friends who post stories on Facebook about how breastfeeding is the best thing you can do for your baby. My friends and family who’ve had kids and breastfed all the through.

I could justify it. I could tell you how long I struggled with this decision. I could tell you I asked my husband to buy the formula, because I couldn’t do it myself. I could tell you I pump five times a day, starting at six and ending at midnight, and I still can’t always get enough milk. I could tell you I’m trying not to cry while I type this. I could tell you that we’re just supplementing, not switching over to all formula.

But none of that matters, because I still feel like I’ve failed.

The women of my mother’s generation fought so that their daughters could have it all. A career. A family.

The women of my generation need to fight so that our daughters have it right. Parental leave for both parents that’s long enough to get back to human. A culture that views parenting as work which is just as hard and important as any other job – and compensates parents for the time they spend raising their children. An understanding that if one partner in a relationship wants it “all”, the other will need to make sacrifices in equal proportion. A culture free of judgement, free of the mommy wars, focused instead on what works for each family.

#haveitright

Things That Happen When You Become A Parent

On By BekkiIn Musings & RamblingsLeave a comment

1.  You find yourself rocking back and forth, even when you’re not holding the baby.

2.  Going to bed at 8 pm is the best thing ever.

3.  You sing, everywhere, all the time. On the street, in the subway, in stores.  Carrying the tune and knowing the lyrics are optional.

4.  You realize around dinner time that you haven’t showered or brushed your teeth all day.

5.  Everything gets a cute name.  Her toys.  Her outfits.  The dishes.

6.  Random things like shower drains and lawnmowers sound like a crying baby.

7.  You turn into a human jungle gym.  Hair, glasses, ears all become handles.

8.  Going to the bathroom becomes a family activity.

9.  Posting to your blog becomes one of those things you did before you had children.

10.  The best part of your day is coming home and seeing her smile.

…and then what happened?

On By BekkiIn Musings & RamblingsLeave a comment

When I was a kid, one of my favorite things about watching PBS was the part after the shows, where they said “funding was provided by X and Y company, and by viewers like you.”  There was something so darn cool about the fact that ordinary people could be part of shows like Reading Rainbow and Arthur.

That chance to be part of the magic, to make something creative happen, is what I like so much about Kickstarter. When you’re funding on a small scale, every pledge to back a project, even if it’s only a few dollars, matters. It’s exciting, too, holding your breath until the last minute, waiting to see if that project you backed is going to fund, or reach that crazy stretch goal you’re so hyped about. Kickstarter lets us all be patrons of the arts.

Enter Fireside Magazine. Once upon a time, during the “Golden Age” of the pulp magazines, a writer like Robert Silverberg could make a living on an average of 5 short stories a month. These days, pro markets pay 5 cents a word. That’s $200 for a typical short story of about 4,000 words.  Know anybody who can support themselves on $1000 a month, pre-taxes?  Yeah, me neither. *

Fireside is trying to change that. They pay 12.5 cents a word, or $500 for a 4,000 word story. At five published stories a month, that’s almost enough to live on. In order to make this happen, they’re running a Kickstarter, with a goal of $25,000. Right now, they’re only about 25% funded, with 17 days to go.

I want to see them make it.  I want to see a market, and an audience, that supports paying writers a livable wage.  So I’m offering to match donations made in the next 24 hours. I did this last year, with a $500 cap.  Together, we raised $922.

This year, I’m raising the cap to $625.  If we hit it, that’s $1250, or 10,000 words.  10,000 words funds 10 pieces of flash fiction, or 2-3 short stories.  10,000 words is almost enough to pay the writers for an entire issue of Fireside.

Let’s do this.

_______________________________________

Who are you, anyway?

I’m a writer, a lawyer, and a mom.  Not necessarily in that order.

When is this happening?

I’ll match all pledges from 2 pm EST on Friday, March 14 to 2pm EST on Saturday, March 15.

Why only 10,000 words?  You did just say you’re a lawyer.

Because it’s a nice, round number. And, without going into the economics of living in NYC with a kid and student loans, suffice it to say that this will eat up most of my discretionary income for the next few months.

What is Fireside?

It’s a magazine that publishes great storytelling and pays writers a living wage. Their stories aren’t confined to a single genre. The only criteria is that the story has to make the reader say “…and then what happened?”  Brian White, the cellar-dwelling pet of Chuck Wendig editor, has a great pitch for year 3 over on Wendig’s blog.

How does this work, exactly?

Easy.  Go to the Fireside Year 3 Kickstarter and make a pledge.  Then send out a Tweet using the hashtag #10000words and a link to this post.  Feel free to cc me @bekkiwrites or Fireside @FiresideFiction.  If you don’t use Twitter, post a comment here.**


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* Even the government agrees – the poverty line for a single person in 2014 is just shy of $12,000.

** You don’t have to post the amount you backed the project for, and I’ll match any pledge made during the 24 hour period, even if you don’t tweet or comment. But wouldn’t it be cool if we could get #10000words to trend?

Women Destroy Science Fiction (Space Opera Edition)

On By BekkiIn This is Feminism1 Comment

I grew up reading sci-fi and fantasy. The first adult novel my parents gave me was Anne McCaffrey’s Dragonsong. I devoured the other Pern novels, then discovered Terry Pratchet, and Neil Gaiman, and Lois McMaster Bujold, and Mercedes Lackey, and Robert Heinlein, and Margaret Atwood and… You get the idea. The sci-fi/fantasy shelves are the first place I go in a bookstore. It’s the only genre where I find both comfort and challenge as a reader.

Which is why it’s always astounded me that I don’t write more in the genre. My stories and novels tend toward the contemporary rather than the imagined. I’ve been trying to rectify this, one short story at a time, on the theory that the best way be part of the community is to write in it.

Enter Lightspeed Magazine and the Women Destroy Science Fiction edition. I’ve followed some of the kerfluffel about women being harassed at cons, or being told they’re not geek enough, or their writing ruins entire genres. And while I haven’t experienced any of it, I think it’s high time this kind of nonsense stopped. As you can probably guess from the title, Lightspeed does too. They’re putting together a special edition of sci-fi written entirely by women, and they’re taking submissions from the slush pile to do it.

Awesome, I thought. I should submit something. Except that none of my stories are sci-fi.

Then, as sometimes happens, the first line of a story came to me:*

Sure, Rhyden was a backwater, but it was also home to Lady Evangelina Rhyssa, Ambassador-at-Large to the Galactic Council, three-time winner of the Andromeda Pageant, and certified sharp-shooter extraordinaire.

Suddenly, I had my protagonist, Cass O’Reilly. She’s scrappy, sarcastic, and the worst P.I. this side of Vega. For the first time, I understood what other authors meant when they talked about throwing their characters into bad situations for the sheet enjoyment of watching them battle their way out.

For $5 you can get yourself a copy of Women Destroy Science Fiction, as well as the companion destruction of horror and fantasy. And you never know, Cass just might end up in there.

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*For the record, I’m a firm believer that the only way to write, and write well, is to apply ass to chair. But there’s undeniably a certain magic to the process, and my personal muse seems to have a habit of dropping first lines into my head and letting me work out the rest of the story from there. Who says I can’t have it both ways?

Baby o’Clock

On By BekkiIn Musings & RamblingsLeave a comment

We got back from California almost two weeks ago now. Every time we go, it feels more and more like going home. Something about the hills rising up out of the earth, crumpled and creased and golden. The highways, wide and flat and sinuous. The ocean, beating against the sand.

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Going away was good for us. For me. I feel like I’m finally starting to settle into life with the baby. Sure, everybody said that life would change, but I didn’t think it would be that different. Call me naïve, but I thought I would finally have time to get things done. As anyone reading this who has had a kid knows, that didn’t happen.

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The reality is that her favorite place to nap is on me, or her dad. That even though she can’t speak, she has plenty of ways of getting across what she wants. And what she wants is to be right where I am.

So I blog with my phone while she’s nursing. I read books with one hand while walking around holding her with the other.  But mostly, I accept that the to do list is limited to one item per day.

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And some days, I’m even okay with that.