Hello lovelies.
At my parents’ house in Boston for Thanksgiving this week, sleeping in the bedroom that used to be mine and was then my youngest brother’s and now apparently goes to whomever stays the longest. It snowed on Tuesday, a gentle flurry that kissed the ground and melted. Here in CA it’s foggy, with the welcome promise of rain next week.
Continue reading “The Weekly Review: Winter is There Edition”
I am quietly panicking about how I am going to get through the next six weeks. October to November is my trigger season.
I was raped 12 years ago. I don’t know what day it was, although I could reconstruct it from journal entries and a calendar if I had to. Continue reading “Trigger Season”
1. If you see something, say something. Last week, A came home from work and told me he thought he heard someone locked in the trunk in the car next to him, maybe like some teenagers were fooling around, and should he call 911? I hesitated a moment, then told him if it was my kid, I’d want him to call. This week, as I was driving home from dropping Z at school, I saw a brush fire off the highway. Again, I hesitated, figuring someone else would make the call, but did it. In both cases, we were the first report.
2. Sometimes, when my toddler is making me absolutely crazy, I sing the soft kitty song to myself. Don’t judge, it helps.
3. Zanna’s current obsession is boats. I took her down to the marina this week to see the boats go to bed. She had a blast running around.
4. Bar exam results came out this Friday, at 6 pm. As an afternoon distraction, Z and I went on a sunset toddler hike with Hike It Baby. The kids walked almost the whole way up, stopping frequently, of course, to pick up sticks and rocks, run backwards, and look at the poop on the trail. They were really, really into the poop. (I passed, and am thrilled to have that done and over with.)
5. I’ve become an unexpected Six Flags convert. My parents didn’t take us to amusement parks much, probably because they’re so flipping expensive. So even though there’s a Six Flags in the town we live in, I didn’t contemplate going. Until the 2016 tickets went on crazy sale. I am now a full-on believer in amusement parks for the toddler set. They’ve got a ton of kid rides, lines so far have been completely reasonable, and I’ve never had problems bringing in toddler snacks. If you’re in the area, you should do it.
Closing Tabs
I’ve been trying to come up with a better name for these than Monday Roundup, but “Monday Funday” is a lie and “Monday Blues” is to depressing. Feel free to put suggestions in the comments.
Vegetables are totally underrated, kids. You can do really fantastic things with them. Like this pineapple bourbon sweet potato casserole or this savory roasted vegetable crumble. We’re in charge of vegetables for Thanksgiving this year, so you might see one or both of these. On a side note, I’m on the lookout for good recipe blogs. If you have one you follow, let me know.
Mental illness has a tendency to be invisible, especially when someone appears put together externally. Esme Weijung Wang talks about Fashioning Normal.
While I won’t deny that there’s a small part of me hoping Z will be a prodigy kid, like this 14 year old rock climber, mostly I just want her to be happy and have a real childhood.
My views on tipping servers changed after I started dating a chef and learned how little they make. I think Danny Meyer is making the right move by abolishing tipping, and would love to see this spread.
I’m pretty sure the family that got the shout out from Patrick Rothfuss here is ours. Presents have definitely gotten less important to me as I’ve gotten older. 8, 16, and 24 year old me would all be shocked by that statement, but it’s true. Spending time with my family and friends is pretty much all I need to keep me happy these days.
That’s it from me. What interesting bits of the internet have you come across this week? What are you looking forward to making for Thanksgiving?
I don’t know what to say.
I don’t know what to think.
I am shattered. Heartbroken.
All the cliches are true. Every. Single. One.
***
Ben was easier to process. I knew the names of his demons. I knew where they hid. It didn’t hurt any less (do you hear me, Ben, you motherfucker? Do you know that I still miss you every day you’re not here?), but it didn’t send me reeling.
This? All I have are questions. I think:
If he could do this, who’s next? Who else do I know who is holding such unspeakable grief inside?
Was it money? Sex? Drugs? Something that can move the needle to explicable?
***
I’ve been fairly useless for the past three days. I take my girl to playgroup and to school and to eat Chinese food, and I think:
What’s wrong with our culture? What did we do to make him feel so alone? Why do we place the trappings of success above our own well-being?
Was this a wake up call? A warning? To who?
***
On Monday, NPR ran a bit about a health care plan aiming for a zero suicide rate. They screen for depression, are proactive about treatment. I think:
Would this have helped?
Would this net even have caught him?
***
I still believe, passionately, in the right to suicide. Deciding not to live is the ultimate act of self determination. Who am I to make that decision for someone else?
And yet. I think:
If there had been someone to listen, would he still have thought this the only option?
If we talked about this, if we made space for depression and anger and fear of failure (or of success or of life itself), would he still have jumped?
***
We cannot help but continue on. The hole doesn’t always close, but the edges smooth.
***
I unpacked some boxes yesterday, trying to regain some sense of order. Of control. I think:
If you’re reading this, I love you. I care about you. I would miss you.
If you need a hand to hold, you’ve got mine.
This is what misogyny looks like.
I’m watching the news this morning, and they mention that the winner of the Miss America pageant was a victim of domestic violence. The first thing that goes through my head is She can’t be a victim of domestic violence. She must be making it up.
The second thing that goes through my head is what is wrong with me for thinking that?
***
It’s insidious. Pernicious. The statistics say something like 1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted. Why is it so hard for us to believe this is true?
***
I watched a man teaching his son to read on the subway one morning on my way to work. The kid, probably five or six, sat on his dad’s lap sounding out the words in an article.
On my way out of the train, I looked down, and saw a mostly naked woman on the page. The boy was learning to read on Penthouse.
***
I have thought numerous times during pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding that if men had to deal with this shit, we’d have a pill for it already.
***
My mother taught me when I was younger that you always lock car when you park, to make sure nobody gets into the backseat while you’re out. To park under a streetlight. To avoid dark areas.
Nobody teaches men these things.
***
This is what misogyny looks like.